all or nothing.

I can’t apologize for my emotions. I’m a Pisces who was raised in a volatile home where no one was ever taught how to express themselves without yelling, throwing things, or tears. The tears chose me.

I’m intense. Sometimes I cry at the drop of a hat, but my laughter comes just as easily. So does my smile. So many people only see the negative side of sensitivity, but it simply means that I experience life more deeply.

I have control over my emotions. I can be as cold as a stone and not give a fuck about you, but when I’m in that place, I’m numb. In that place I’m a shell of myself, and while you might not have to deal with my tears, overthinking, or anger, you also won’t get to experience my humor, sensuality, or love.

I’m a whole woman. You don’t get to choose the bits and pieces of me that are comfortable for you. I won’t slice and dice my being to serve you with the perfect platter. When I feel, I go all in.

I used to say that I hated emotional people, never realizing that I was one of them. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to accept my emotions. I’m learning that I don’t always have to be tough and put on a strong front for the comfort of others. I’ve decided not to let myself become my mother who goes back and forth between mania and depression, or my father who is afraid to show excitement and can’t admit when he’s wrong.

A wise woman once said, “You can’t selectively numb.”

So, with me, it’s all or nothing.

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